The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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