she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
