he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
