If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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