I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
