I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
