Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
