I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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