Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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