worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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