how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
