marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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