Define "chronic" masturbator.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
