Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
