Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
