Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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