I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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