She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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