Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize