my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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