Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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