Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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