Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
