What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
