I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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