Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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