I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
