distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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