My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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