I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize