Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
meet me or not, i'm out of control
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
