I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
