Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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