Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
