All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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