dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
