Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
