I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
