omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
