you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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