i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
