I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
