There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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