Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
