Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
