Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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