dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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