I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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