I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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