I feel like I'm in dance class right now
why didn't you poke me back
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
