Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
