Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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