i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
