It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
