Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
