we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
