forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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