I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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