He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
